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Spontaneous Cereal Combustion
by Kerry Crisp

Is This Proof? has received exclusive information from a reliable source that shows the British Government has known of the extraordinary phenomenon of Spontaneous Cereal Combustion for a number of years.

Artist's Impression

Normally associated with humans, the sudden bursting into flames of popular breakfast foods has been a problem for a number of years.

Manufacturers, blatantly selling these lethal foods through supermarkets and corner shops, have tried a number of ways to reduce the risk of fire, including wrapping the volatile contents within a non-flammable plastic bag. One company even went as far as giving away smoke detectors with the packs.

Maureen O'Hara-Crawford-Brown, a prominent researcher into spontaneous combustion told Is This Proof?, "Perhaps we have been looking in the wrong places for answers. I will now go back and check my records of humans bursting into flames to see if they had all eaten breakfast on the day they went up in smoke".

But Sub Officer Stephen Tinkle from Powys Fire Service says that the public have nothing to worry about. "We often get calls from supermarkets who are having trouble with the odd burning box of Corn Flakes," he said, "but modern packaging means the risk of fire has been greatly reduced".

Maureen O'Hara-Crawford-Brown is not convinced. "Once again the fire service are washing their hands of this problem by blinding the public with science", she told Is This Proof?, "I'm going to call for a public inquiry, but I have little faith in anything being done."

Mavis Johnston, a housewife from Market Drayton, told Is This Proof?, "It comes to something when you can't even eat your breakfast bran in safety any more".

Stop Press...Stop Press...Stop Press...Stop Press...

In a statement issued by the Department of Transport, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott said, "There is little, if any evidence to support the claims of scaremongers who are happy to spread rumours and worry unsuspecting housewives about the dangers of exploding Shredded Wheat".
In response, Maureen O'Hara-Crawford-Brown told Is This Proof?, "This latest development is very worrying. Up until now suggestions that certain cereals were exploding were only hearsay".

Watch this space for further news.