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Potato Mutilations Worry Farmers
by Simon Smash

Farmers all over the country are worried that an increase in potato mutilation could price the popular vegetable off household menus.

Un-mutilated potatoes

Peter Prolapse from the National Union Of Farmers told Is This Proof?, "A number of farmers have reported that their pototo stocks have been mutilated by aliens, although suggestions that it is the work of the Chupacabra have been dismissed as stupid."

Farmer Bill Weid, who's farm is in Devon, said, "It's terrible. I went out into the fields one morning and realised at once that something was wrong. Most of the crop had been dug up. The skins were scorched and the white flesh had been removed via a perfectly round incision on the outside of the potato. In most cases the eyes had also been removed"

A spokesman from the Ministry of Agriculture told Is This Proof?, "The Government takes this sort of thing very seriously and I can assure you that we will do all we can to help the farmers with this problem. Aliens from other planets can not be allowed to come here and abuse our potato crops for whatever sick or perverted reason they may have. It was bad enough with the cattle, but now even vegetables are being targeted. We must not allow this to continue.

Potato mutilations have been common place in the UK for a number of years, but careful manipulation of the facts and a growing market for pre-packed dried instant potatoes has meant the up until now the public have been unaware of the problem.

Jean Smallholding of the Potato Eaters Alliance has now called on the government to introduce legistation forcing shops the label mutilated potato food products. "We have a right to know", she told Is This Proof?

Stop Press...Stop Press...Stop Press...Stop Press...

The Federation of Master Chip Friers and Cod Batterers are planning a rally in London next week in an attempt to raise public awareness of Potato Mutilation. The rally will be held in Hyde Park and will be addressed by former Prime Minister Edward Heath.